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“My Salvation Lies In Your Love”

*best read while listening to Alexis’ Murdoch’s Orange Sky

I see her lying on the bed, physically helpless and weak, the energetic woman now ravaged by the disease that has stolen countless women from our lives. Her family is around her, hopeful but accepting, scared but supportive, in pain but their strength surrounds her. She is hurting, but she’s at peace, knowing that her parents, her sisters, her brothers in law, her nieces and nephews, they will all be there for her kids. And she is at peace, knowing she will soon be with her Maker. And she will never be forgotten

I listen to them raving about their babies, as if they are the most precious beings on the planet. And they are. Every little cute movement, every funny thing they say, their mothers think they’re geniuses and the cutest things. These are women I grew up with, girls I shared my youthful confidences in, girls who were with me during the stupidest and most profound moments in my life. And now I see them turning into the strongest of God’s creatures: mothers

I see a nation awash in yellow, people grieving for the loss of a beloved former president. Politics are forgotten for the moment, differences set aside, and we mourn as one. If only for a few days

I hear them constantly fight, bicker, tease each other, irritate each other. But at the end of the day, when one asks for ice cream at 2AM, the other one immediately goes to 7-11. And when the other wants desperately to change jobs, the other one revises his resume and personally goes through jobstreet everyday. It goes beyond what society deems acceptable, but they accept each other the way they want to be accepted

I see them around me, some crying, some still not understanding why I’m leaving, some trying to lighten the mood by cracking corny jokes and eating like there’s no tomorrow. They have been my family for 3 years, and will continue to be my family, whatever way I choose. They will continue to be my home away from home

I see her eyes glow whenever I come home unannounced and Lola’s frail body envelopes me in a fragile hug. I kiss her cheek and I smell the scent that has enveloped me from the day I was born and Mama asks until when I’m staying. I hear him play his inane songs to annoy me but in the next breath, Carlo asks me if I want Coke and that there’s chocolate in the ref. I spend more time away from home, but when I do go home, I know that I am truly home

That is love

 
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Posted by on August 3, 2009 in i get so emotional baby

 

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The Soundtrack of My Life (as of this year)

Since I turned 30 a few days ago, I thought it fitting to come up with a new soundtrack, since the last one I did 3 or 4 years ago seems outdated (and my life was so drastically different then). So here goes….

“Love Will Come to You” by Indigo Girls

And I wish her insight to battle loves blindness
Strength from the milk of human kindness
A safe place for all the pieces that scattered
Learn to pretend theres more than love that matters

Ailene will always be precious to me, for a lot of reasons (naks) and one of them is because of this song. At the height of the great depression, she sent me this beauty of a song, and it helped me understand that truly inexplicable emotion called love. And now, I sing this to all friends who have had their hearts broken. Always, with a catch in my throat

“Me” by Paula Cole

And it is me who is my enemy
Me who beats me up
Me who makes the monsters
Me who strips my confidence

Whenever I feel my confidence erroding, I always turn back to this song and try to remember who the real enemy is. You should meet the “me”, more than 5 years ago; self-loathing, immature, always insecure, self-doubting me. She sometimes still rears her ugly head, but I would like to believe I got rid of most of her sometime back

“The World is Our Playground” by Up Dharma Down

I swear I belong
This is where I belong

Enough said

“Lost” by Coldplay

Just because I’m losing
Doesn’t mean I’m lost
Doesn’t mean I’ll stop
Doesn’t mean I would cross

For those who believe I’m lost…refer to my previous post, and that is all I’m saying about the subject

“Orange Sky” by Alexi Murdoch

When I am alone 
When I’ve thrown off the weight of this crazy stone 
When I’ve lost all care for the things I own 
That’s when I miss you
You who are my home 
And here is what I know now 
Goes like this
In your love, my salvation lies 
In your love

This is my love song for my Lola, my Mom, my Brother, my friends who know me inside and out and who accept me (as cliche as it sounds) for who I am

“Naive Orleans” by Anberlin

And I finally found that life goes on without you
And my world still turns when you’re not around

This is my song for all the men (boys) who have intentionally and unintentionally broken my heart. It took almost half a lifetime of learning (and I’m still learning in some ways) but I think I finally got it

“Grace” by U2

What once was hurt
What once was friction
What left a mark
No longer stings
Because grace makes beauty
Out of ugly things 

No matter what my personal convictions are now, I still believe in grace, a thought that practically changed the world as we know it. And this song, for me, encapsulates this, in the simplest words I know

“Quiet Little Place” by K’s Choice

And now everything I feel
Whether it’s fiction or it’s real
It’s so much clearer
Like the color of this light
It seems more dangerous and bright
But I don’t fear her

For the past 3 or 4 years, my life changed drastically, and as I said before, from my own perspective, I’ve become a much better person because of this. It’s not like a major overhaul of my life, but a slow, subtle, shift in perspective and direction. I know I am still a work in progress, but for the first time in my existence, I am not afraid of where it will take me, be it back to where I came from (I am still very much open to that) or somewhere totally new (and I am not scared to death of that)

 

And on that note, I would like to thank my facebook friends for the gazillion greetings, my M2comms family for the “surprise” party last Friday and my real family, for the simple but meaningful day I got to spend with them. I did not celebrate my 30th with a bang, but I know this year is gonna be a blast

08052009073

*as always, no real camera on my birthday, so let’s just settle for this

 
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Posted by on May 10, 2009 in Music is My Life

 

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