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The Soundtrack of My Life (as of this year)

Since I turned 30 a few days ago, I thought it fitting to come up with a new soundtrack, since the last one I did 3 or 4 years ago seems outdated (and my life was so drastically different then). So here goes….

“Love Will Come to You” by Indigo Girls

And I wish her insight to battle loves blindness
Strength from the milk of human kindness
A safe place for all the pieces that scattered
Learn to pretend theres more than love that matters

Ailene will always be precious to me, for a lot of reasons (naks) and one of them is because of this song. At the height of the great depression, she sent me this beauty of a song, and it helped me understand that truly inexplicable emotion called love. And now, I sing this to all friends who have had their hearts broken. Always, with a catch in my throat

“Me” by Paula Cole

And it is me who is my enemy
Me who beats me up
Me who makes the monsters
Me who strips my confidence

Whenever I feel my confidence erroding, I always turn back to this song and try to remember who the real enemy is. You should meet the “me”, more than 5 years ago; self-loathing, immature, always insecure, self-doubting me. She sometimes still rears her ugly head, but I would like to believe I got rid of most of her sometime back

“The World is Our Playground” by Up Dharma Down

I swear I belong
This is where I belong

Enough said

“Lost” by Coldplay

Just because I’m losing
Doesn’t mean I’m lost
Doesn’t mean I’ll stop
Doesn’t mean I would cross

For those who believe I’m lost…refer to my previous post, and that is all I’m saying about the subject

“Orange Sky” by Alexi Murdoch

When I am alone 
When I’ve thrown off the weight of this crazy stone 
When I’ve lost all care for the things I own 
That’s when I miss you
You who are my home 
And here is what I know now 
Goes like this
In your love, my salvation lies 
In your love

This is my love song for my Lola, my Mom, my Brother, my friends who know me inside and out and who accept me (as cliche as it sounds) for who I am

“Naive Orleans” by Anberlin

And I finally found that life goes on without you
And my world still turns when you’re not around

This is my song for all the men (boys) who have intentionally and unintentionally broken my heart. It took almost half a lifetime of learning (and I’m still learning in some ways) but I think I finally got it

“Grace” by U2

What once was hurt
What once was friction
What left a mark
No longer stings
Because grace makes beauty
Out of ugly things 

No matter what my personal convictions are now, I still believe in grace, a thought that practically changed the world as we know it. And this song, for me, encapsulates this, in the simplest words I know

“Quiet Little Place” by K’s Choice

And now everything I feel
Whether it’s fiction or it’s real
It’s so much clearer
Like the color of this light
It seems more dangerous and bright
But I don’t fear her

For the past 3 or 4 years, my life changed drastically, and as I said before, from my own perspective, I’ve become a much better person because of this. It’s not like a major overhaul of my life, but a slow, subtle, shift in perspective and direction. I know I am still a work in progress, but for the first time in my existence, I am not afraid of where it will take me, be it back to where I came from (I am still very much open to that) or somewhere totally new (and I am not scared to death of that)

 

And on that note, I would like to thank my facebook friends for the gazillion greetings, my M2comms family for the “surprise” party last Friday and my real family, for the simple but meaningful day I got to spend with them. I did not celebrate my 30th with a bang, but I know this year is gonna be a blast

08052009073

*as always, no real camera on my birthday, so let’s just settle for this

 
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Posted by on May 10, 2009 in Music is My Life

 

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The Big 3-0

Yes, I am fully aware that I am now one year away from being kicked off the calendar. 

And yes, I know that people will marvel at my actual age, not because I look young or anything but because I am very much vertically challenged

And yes, I am still very much single and plan to be single for a very, very long time and kids are not even part of the plan so do not remind me that my biological clock is ticking because I will let it tick away and just become the cool aunt to your kids

So on the day that I turn 30, these are my random thoughts….

  • I may have spent the entire day working, but I didn’t mind, because here is where I am truly happy. It took me 10 years and 7 jobs later, but at least I have found my calling. It took lots of tears and pain, but yeah, I finally arrived
  • For the first time in my entire existence, I am truly at peace being single and alone. Wait, scratch that. Who ever said that being single equates to being alone is deluded. I have my family, the best I could ever ask for. I have friends who’ve known me 30 pounds ago. I have friends who I know will continue to be friends till we’re old and gray. I have officemates who I am fortunate enough to call friends as well. So yes, I am single and very very far from being alone
  • Yes, the longing to be with someone will spring up every once in a while, but for the first time, it has been manageable. Boys will always be there, but I have learned I can be happy with or without them. And honestly, I have been happier without them
  • I know friends have been unhappy with the way my spiritual life, or lack of it, has been for the past years. There are things I want to say to you, but I know I will always be misunderstood or looked on with sadness and pity or even anger. So I will just remain silent lest I cause someone else to stumble. And I don’t mind if you tell me that you’re praying for me, because that is your choice. But know that whatever path I chose, I chose with my eyes open and I believe I’ve become a different person, for better or worse, that depends on your perspective

I am happy. I am not afraid that I am 30. I am content

These are things that I say without irony or bitterness. And I guess that is what matters, at least for today. Tomorrow is another question, but let’s just focus on today for now

sapatosida

me, 10 years ago

 
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Posted by on May 8, 2009 in Musings on Life

 

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