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Category Archives: i get so emotional baby

Love that Goes Beyond Dirty Dishes and Unpaid Bills

Disclaimer: No, I am not talking about a guy. Technically

I was just about to write a long, rant letter, telling you of all my resentments and frustrations of the past months and how I feel that we should re-think this whole setup that we have. I had a killer closing line even: The love that I used to feel for both of you is now turning into an emotion that I don’t dare describe yet, but it is definitely far from love.

And then I walk into the office this morning and an Angel (in both name and in other ways) told me to read the latest Deeper Walk email devotion because it’s another one of those “why-are-these-guys-at-Relevant.com-trying-to-emotionally-kill-me” entries.

And then, like a douse of cold water. it hit me big time. Let me just quote this beautiful paragraph

“This love that surpasses knowledge also surpasses all of the limits and conditions we find ourselves placing on what we love. “All the Lord’s people” is something broader and more beautiful than we can possibly grasp, and the height and depth and width and length of this love (this love that binds us), does not rest on our church building or our skin, but settles only in the deepest caverns of the human spirit.”

You are far from being a part of my “church family”, but you are family in the truest non-biological sense of the word. And as with family, you HAVE TO love them no matter what, even if things turn ugly, even if things don’t go the way you want it to go, even the most unlovable parts of us, we HAVE TO love.

Because that’s the way God loves me. Through years of stubborn-headedness and apathy and indifference and downright disobedience, He still loved me.

How dare then I deny that kind of love to you?

 
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Posted by on September 8, 2010 in i get so emotional baby

 

Only for a moment…

I can still see it so clearly in my head, it’s scary and funny and peaceful all at the same time.

I rush home to work after another challenging day reading and writing about books. I open the door, take a deep breath, ready for the chaos that will greet me

Then I see him sitting in his favorite chair, reading a book as always. He looks up, smiles, then goes back to his book while asking me the usual “how was your day?” questions

I am not offended, coz that’s how he has always been and that’s one of the reasons I fell in love with him

I sit beside him, put my feet on his lap and he absent mindedly starts rubbing them, knowing how I need it everyday

I remind him that I have to wake up at 2AM because Liverpool has a game, and he smirks and snickers, “Gads, you’re such a geek!”. This coming from the man who has read Lord of the Rings a hundred times.

Then I hear the sound of small feet on the stairs and I brace myself for a hug attack

“Maaaaaammmeeeee!!!”

A 4 year old bundle of joy rushes into my arms and peppers me with her never-ending questions, never waiting for answers, just needing to get the words out of her preternaturally curious head

“’Do we really have to take a nap in the afternoon to grow taller? Didn’t you take naps when you were a kid? Why do I have to wait til I’m 6 to go to a real school? If we don’t believe in Santa Claus but others kid believe in him, will he become real someday? Why does my playmate not have a TV in his house? How will he know what will happen to Dora next? How come all kids have to eat their veggies but you don’t have to?”

I inhale her lemongrass scent and try to make sense of her questions, but I know I never will be able to answer them all to her satisfaction. And so I just breathe her in

He reminds me that maybe it’s time to eat already. But wait, I have to check my email and my tumblr and tweet all the new questions that our lovely-but-suddenly-becoming-rambunctious-due-to-chocolates-she-consumed daughter

Okay, so he then reluctantly leaves his book and drags her to the kitchen while reminding me, “15 minutes only please”. My heart swells because I prayed for someone who totally gets me. He does totally get me. Most of the time at least.

As I hear the rattling of the plates and spoons and forks, I wonder how I became so blessed. And then I tweet that exact sentence.

As we sit down the table, I smell the coffee brewing in the background and I listen to her incessant chatter and watch him lovingly look at her. My fork falls to the floor and I automatically pick it up.

When I get up, I realize that the table is empty. The room is filled with me, my coffee, my thoughts. No one else

And my heart breaks just a little for me and the family that lived in my head for those few minutes.

And then I remembered that this is the path I have chosen. And I smile because I remember too that I am happy for the silence and the peace that comes with it.

They lived but only for a moment. There was a twinge, but only for a moment. And in that moment, like all the times before, I cried out to God. And He heard me and gave me the peace that surpasses understanding.

 
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Posted by on September 5, 2010 in i get so emotional baby

 

Infinite is the Word I was Looking for

“I feel infinite”

There are songs that make you feel just that way. I will not name them because it’s different for each person and I do not want to rob you of that moment when you feel the infinity just wash over you on your own (and not because I said that that song made me feel that way)

I wish I could write to that musician or songwriter or producer and tell them that the lyrics that they wrote and the notes that they laid down made me feel infinite, if only for five minutes or so.

But then I think, they wouldn’t really care or they’ve heard that a million times before and then my memory of that song will be marred by my perceived indifference from them.

And so I’ll just breathe that thought to the universe every time I have that moment. I hope that you have at least one song that makes you feel that way

*inspired by The Perks of Being a Wallflower pp. 32-33

 
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Posted by on August 4, 2010 in i get so emotional baby

 

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The Alien in My Head

I wish there was an actual dragon I could slay, a nameless adversary I can literally stick a sword through

I wish there was an actual broken heart I could cry about, a man I can blame for all the heartache and misery that befalls me on certain days

I wish there was a thankless job I could complain about, a mean boss or useless officemates that can actually ruin my day

I wish there was a friend who cared enough to get mad at me, who called me out on my bullshit or who actually made me cry out of anger and frustration

But alas, it is just this alien creeping inside my head, whispering energy-draining thoughts into my ears, seesawing between agony and ecstasy,  making even the act of moving so difficult

And fighting with myself, without rhyme or reason, is probably one of the most difficult things I’ve done

 
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Posted by on June 10, 2010 in i get so emotional baby

 

And so it ends…

I’m closing another “there was this guy” chapter in my life
Don’t ask me yet who, when, where, why
The pain isn’t overwhelming, but it’s there, my constant companion
Maybe in 6 months time, I will look back and laugh about it (laugh at him perhaps)
But until then…I am going through another “funeral” of sorts
And I am once again making a promise to myself that there will be no more “there was this guy” stories
Let’s hope this time I mean it

 
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Posted by on August 17, 2009 in i get so emotional baby

 

“My Salvation Lies In Your Love”

*best read while listening to Alexis’ Murdoch’s Orange Sky

I see her lying on the bed, physically helpless and weak, the energetic woman now ravaged by the disease that has stolen countless women from our lives. Her family is around her, hopeful but accepting, scared but supportive, in pain but their strength surrounds her. She is hurting, but she’s at peace, knowing that her parents, her sisters, her brothers in law, her nieces and nephews, they will all be there for her kids. And she is at peace, knowing she will soon be with her Maker. And she will never be forgotten

I listen to them raving about their babies, as if they are the most precious beings on the planet. And they are. Every little cute movement, every funny thing they say, their mothers think they’re geniuses and the cutest things. These are women I grew up with, girls I shared my youthful confidences in, girls who were with me during the stupidest and most profound moments in my life. And now I see them turning into the strongest of God’s creatures: mothers

I see a nation awash in yellow, people grieving for the loss of a beloved former president. Politics are forgotten for the moment, differences set aside, and we mourn as one. If only for a few days

I hear them constantly fight, bicker, tease each other, irritate each other. But at the end of the day, when one asks for ice cream at 2AM, the other one immediately goes to 7-11. And when the other wants desperately to change jobs, the other one revises his resume and personally goes through jobstreet everyday. It goes beyond what society deems acceptable, but they accept each other the way they want to be accepted

I see them around me, some crying, some still not understanding why I’m leaving, some trying to lighten the mood by cracking corny jokes and eating like there’s no tomorrow. They have been my family for 3 years, and will continue to be my family, whatever way I choose. They will continue to be my home away from home

I see her eyes glow whenever I come home unannounced and Lola’s frail body envelopes me in a fragile hug. I kiss her cheek and I smell the scent that has enveloped me from the day I was born and Mama asks until when I’m staying. I hear him play his inane songs to annoy me but in the next breath, Carlo asks me if I want Coke and that there’s chocolate in the ref. I spend more time away from home, but when I do go home, I know that I am truly home

That is love

 
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Posted by on August 3, 2009 in i get so emotional baby

 

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The Struggle in My Bed

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No, it’s not what you think (that is, if your mind is in the gutter)

When I was still a working woman (which was like, two weeks ago), mornings are the worst. I’ve never been a morning person. I can stay up really, really late, till 5AM or beyond, but it takes a humongous effort for me to get up at 7AM. When I was still in Laguna, it was a constant battle between me and my Mom to actually get up when I needed to. 3 alarm clocks don’t make any difference, and I’ve abused the snooze button countless times

So one of the things I was so looking forward to now that I am a woman of leisure (aka freelancing aka jobless aka broke) was to wake up whenever I want to and sleep however late I want to

But it has become my greatest enemy

My bed continues to be a magnet, and me, I’m made of metallic material. But now, there is that added bonus of the emotional upheaval I experience whenever I wake up

At least, before, I had a purpose, I had something to look forward to, and yes, even the pressure and stress were reasons enough for me to get out of bed and force myself to step into the shower, when my head still wants to lie on my soft pillow

But now, I wake up, and I think to myself, “No one is looking for me, no one needs me, there is nothing that I should be doing right at this moment”. And those thoughts depress the crap out of me

And so the struggle to get my butt out of bed goes on…but this time, it is without joy lurking just around the corner. I actually dread what is lurking out there, terrified that it will devour me. And no one will be there, or will care enough, to hear me scream

Don’t get me wrong,  I know I still made the right decision, but someone needs to kick me out of this funk of my own making. Someone needs to talk some sense into me. Someone needs to drag me out of this self-pitying mode

And the scariest thought of all…is that no one is there to do all of the above

Let the pity party end

 
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Posted by on July 14, 2009 in i get so emotional baby

 

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